Open Secrets
by Colormysoultraurig
Summary: Dean was the lady's man of lady's man. Cas was the shy boy with secrets that are secret for a reason. The second year of collage changed them and opened things that should have stayed closed. Destiel
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Dean is the man every girl wants and every guy wants to be, Cas is the shy guy with a dark past he'd like to keep covered.

The class shuffles in on the first day after summer break, most of them are on their second year of college. Dean is one of the last people to class so he searches the forum for an empty seat. The only one he spots is next to a smaller dark haired man. As he is walking down the aisle to get to the seat, the man turns so Dean can see his face, his eyes are as blue as the sky on clear day and his face is just...perfect. Dean begins to get butterflies as he continues closer.

When he finally gets over to him he is so nervous he can barely talk

"I-Is this s-seat taken?" he whispers so quiet he's not sure the other man herd.

The other man looks up with the biggest smile Dean had ever seen someone give him in years.

"Of course not" he gestures as he says it "So what's your name?" he asks enthusiastically.

Dean doesn't understand why he's so nervous he's usually so calm, so smooth, but not this time and he can't figure out why.

"Dean" he says, it's the only thing he can muster out without his voice shaking a little.  
Deans never felt this way and doesn't like it, he doesn't like not knowing why he feels like this either.

"I'm Cas" He replied as he nudged Dean with his elbow.

Dean let out a chuckle. He rested his head on his hand and watched Cas from the corner of his eye, and couldn't help smile the entire time.

The professor came in and gave the class the first day lecture about rules and grading. Dean didn't hear a word the professor had said all class, he was to distracted.

The next day Dean makes sure he gets to class after Cas but not to much after him because he wanted to make sure he could sit with him again.

Dean is walking to class as Cas walks in the forum with all his buddy's. Dean gets a pit in his stomach, a feeling of anger. As he walks down the aisle he repeats to himself "Be cool, Be calm" over and over till he reaches Cas. Unfortunately the seat next to him was taken so he sat behind him, marveling at his wind swept hair.

The professor was late so Dean decided he was going to talk to Cas but just as he was about to a girl came up and started talking him.

"Hey Dean. My friends and I were wondering if you would like to come to our party tonight. I promise it will be cool." As the girl said this she was playing with her hair and all of her friends were giggling behind her.

"Uhh, yeah, sure, sounds fun." The girl ran away back to her friends who were still giggling.

Cas turns his head so he can see Dean sitting behind him.

"Wow, they seem to really like you. Do you even know who they are?" Cas asks seeming entertained by the whole thing.

Dean was so used to girls and sometimes even guys asking him out or inviting him to places it didn't even faze him as weird that he didn't know them.

"Now that you mention it, no i don't." He says trying not to look at Cas to much thinking it would make him uncomfortable.

"You should totally come so I know at least one person there." Dean says with a little chuckle only half joking.

Cas gives him a little smirk that Dean seems to love. "Yeah sounds like fun, when you going?"

For a moment Dean just sat there shocked he agreed. Eventually he was able to process what had happened.

"Uhh not sure yet how 'bout I just come get you on my way. What's your dorm number?"

"Room 510 on the south side." Cas says as the teacher walks in and begins talking to the class.

Dean can't believe that he said yes. he can't believe he told him where his dorm was.

As Dean stares into his closet wondering how fancy he had to be for this he couldn't help also think about what Cas was going to wear, how good he was going to look. Dean decided to just go casual and hope Cas did the same.

Dean had no idea where Cas' dorm was besides that it was on the south side. Deans was on the east so it's not like he had to walk that far.

As he walked through the halls he seems to know where he is going even though he had no clue. Dean finally found the 500 numbers and just walked till he found 510.

He knocks on the door and leans against the corresponding wall opposite the door. The door opens almost instantly after he knocks.

Cas barely opens the door to get out and closes it silently like ha didn't want dean to see what was in there and didn't want to disturb it either.

"Sorry my roommate is sleeping for some unknown reason, i mean its only nine right?" Cas says seemingly irritated by it.

"Yeah that's just wrong." Dean agrees knowing he never goes to bed before 11.

"So where is this party?" Cas asks Dean

"On the north side of campus, so like a ten minute walk that I'm not looking forward to." Dean groans as he starts to walk then slows to let Cas lead not really knowing how he found the hall in the first place.

After just 2 simple turns they ended up at the door to the building. A cool breeze hit them as the door opened that made Dean shiver.

"You ok?" Cas asks noticing Deans shiver.

"OH. Yeah, I'm fine let's just get this over with." Dean says heading north.

"So how many of these party's do you get invited to?" Cas asks eyes wide with curiosity.

"Like two or three a week, it's a little overwhelming some times. Do you get invited to many parties?" Dean asks cautiously looking to see if Cas lies to impress him.

"Not really this is only my third collage party." Cas whispered so quietly Dean barely heard him.

Was Cas ashamed that he hadn't been to many party's?

They finally get to the party and there are only a few people. The girls come running up to Dean and Cas with smiles going from ear to ear, the girls smiles begin to lessen when the notice Cas standing next to Dean.

"I'm glad you came Dean." the leader of the group said not as happy as she did when asking him to the party.

"I see you brought a friend" she murmured very angrily.

"Yeah i hope that's ok." Dean said not so sincerely as he started towards the snacks and beer.

Cas followed nodding at the girls on his way by. Dean grabbed a beer for himself and Cas. Cas reluctantly took it never really having beer except one time that didn't end well.

More people began to shuffle in the tiny dorm. Cas never leaving Deans side, Dean never leaving the corner. The girls would come over every few minutes to ask how they were doing or if they needed anything obviously more directed at Dean.

As it began to become three o'clock in the morning Dean and Cas finally left. Both of them being drunk, Cas noticeably more drunk, made their way to Cas' dorm. Dean insisted on walking Cas to his dorm because Cas was "to drunk" to go to his dorm on his own.

"I told you-u I could get to-o my dorm by myself I don't need you-ur help you-u can go-o to-o _you-ur_ dorm." Cas said slurring his vowels.

"To late. We are already at your building." Dean declared in between laughs raising his arm in a Vanna White style to show off the building.

Dean wakes up with an excruciating head ack. As he turns to look at his clock he realizes he's not in his dorm and he not alone in the bed he's in.

He gets up and gathers his cloths off the floor and heads out hoping he doesn't wake Cas or the roommate that seems to sleep through everything.

Cas walks into the forum wearing sunglasses obviously still hung over. He sits next to Dean who seems to be perfectly fine, besides the hickey on his neck he seems to not notice.

Cas sits next to him "Hey! Which girl gave you that one? Kate or Tonya?" he chuckled.

Dean stares in shock not knowing, not remembering what happened the night before. "Uhh not sure its all kind of a blur." He says hoping it won't attract any more questions from Cas, he still doesn't know what they did or if they did anything.

During class Cas slides a note to the left, Dean picks it up hoping the teacher won't notice. Dean gets disquieted thinking about last night. "What if he remembers? What if we did something?" As he reads it his stomach knots.

* * *

 **This will be a chapter fic for Destiel but it wont be all that long. I'm sorry but I still hope you like it. CONSTUCTIVE criticism is always welcome; let me know what you think. Thank you!**

 **Hopefully all the spelling and grammar has been fixed.**


	2. Chapter 2

Dean opened the note Cas had handed him. He skimmed it looking for anything of importance. He was shocked when it was one simple sentence that made him much more relieved than he thought possible.

'Do you remember anything from last night 'cause I don't, but i was also much more drunk then you.'

Dean took a moment to reply. He was getting bits and pieces of the night before but not the whole story. The only things he remembered were arriving and having a few drinks with Cas secluded in the corner, Vanna Whiting it at his dorm and waking up in his bed not very clothed.

He finally thought of a response that he felt suited the situation.

'not rly HBU?'

Dean passed the note back only to realize to late he asked Cas a question he already answered.

Cas took a moment to scribble something back to Dean and within two minutes he got the paper back.

'Well, like I said before, nothing. Also your grammar is atrocious, we're in English.'

Dean read it and had to hold himself back from laughing. His grammar was bad but, in his opinion, it didn't matter when it wasn't professional.

'u understood it didnt u?'

'Barely.'

 **SPNSPNSPN**

After what felt like months of lecturing Dean finally left English heading to the dorm room bed calling to him. He was almost at the end of the hall when he heard his name being called. He sighed internally, rolling his eyes. _'Great, another fan looking for me to join them in something else. Don't I ever get a break?'_

He turned just in time to see the blue eyed boy, who sat next to him in English, slow his jog to a normal walk.

"Hey Cas, what's up?"

"You uhh you wanna hang out again? Preferably no drinking, I was drunk enough yesterday."

Dean stood there practically dumbfounded, Cas wanted to hang out with him agian. Dean figured he'd be 'to cool' to hang out with Mr. popular. He felt so nervous _, 'I'm Dean Winchester I don't get nervous. Well then why am I so nervous?'_

"Uhh Yeah that's cool. When you thinking?"

"Honestly I don't really care whenever is best for you."

"Then I'll meet you at your dorm in two hours. That cool?"

"Great see you soon."

Dean watched as Cas headed off in the same direction he came from. A shorter dark haired girl popped out of nowhere and started talking to him. Dean felt that pit in his stomach again. He didn't know what it was but one thought overpowered all the others, _'Is that Cas' girl friend?'_

Dean closed his eyes, shook his head, and turned thinking it would blow the thought away. He headed back to his dorm, he only had two hours to figure out what he was gonna do.

 **SPNSPNSPN**

Dean laid in his bed thinking about anything that he could do with Cas that wasn't date like or a party. He laid there staring at the ceiling thanking anyone he could that he had a single, his roommate would think he was nuts.

Eventually Dean looked over at the clock sitting on his nightstand. He practically fell out of bed when it told him he'd definitely be late. He had about three minutes to get to Cas' dorm room. Dean grabbed his favorite leather jacket and sprinted down to the entrance. The cool fall air hit his face and a sense of realization hit him, he still has no idea how he got to Cas' dorm yesterday.

He eventually found it...almost ten minutes late. _'Ok Dean be cool stop freaking you don't even freak this much when your with girls'_ Dean got up courage and knocked.

 **SPNSPNSPN**

The door swung open after what, to Dean, felt like centuries. Unlike the last time, it opened fully by that shorter dark haired girl from earlier. She didn't say anything, just stared at him, looking him up and down, checking him out. She was interrupted by Cas' voice.

"Meg? Who is it?" Cas called from somewhere Dean didn't know.

She continued to stare at Dean for a moment longer before she finally called back. "It's your boy toy, Dean."

"Meg. Would you stop being such a nuisance and let him in?" Cas responded calmly seeming to not even care about what Meg said. Dean did though; this was making things harder considering he still had no idea if he had slept with Cas.

"But Cassy bear, he's a stranger. We don't know if he's dangerous." Meg wined. _'Oh god, Cassy bear? She's defiantly his girlfriend. Wait why do I even care? I don't, of course I don't'_

"Meg I told you to stop calling me that." Cas said as he walked back into the tiny room from the even tinier bathroom. "Sorry Dean, my friend here can be a bit of a bitch sometimes."

"It's ok." Dean didn't know what else to say.

"You ready to go?"

"Yeah. Yeah sure. Bye Meg."

"Bye Deany baby. See you soon Clarence." Cas seemed to completely ignore Meg only turning around to close the door. Dean followed him waiting till they had gotten a few steps from the door to speak.

"Cassy bear? Clarence?" Dean didn't say more knowing that if he were to talk about it he would with just that.

"Yeah she likes nicknames, even though she knows the only one I can stand is Cas."

"She must be special then huh?"

"You could say that." Cas looked sad or even scared in Deans eyes. He stayed like that till they reached the sidewalk outside the dorms. It took Dean a moment to register that Cas said his name wasn't really Cas but even though he really wanted to know what it was he didn't ask.

They walked out into the sidewalk and Cas' whole demeanor changed. His lips curved into a smile when the wind hit his face and when he looked up at Dean his eyes got there sparkle back.

"So where are we going?"

"I have no idea."

 **SPNSPNSPN**

It had been a few weeks since the party and Cas and Dean hung out almost every day. They had become best friends, which neither of them really ever had. Dean was still getting that stupid feeling of jealousy when around Meg and Cas but he had convinced himself it was just because he wanted to be his only best friend, nothing more. That all changed fast the one night they both got drunk and did some pretty stupid things. This time they remembered most of it.

Dean had gotten invited to another party but this time it was supposed to be the best party of the year, so they went. After hours if drinking, and a lot of drunken flirting, they were walking back to Deans dorm. They got to the front door but before Dean could open it up Cas grabbed hid face with both hands and kissed him with so much determination it seemed like he'd been waiting centuries to do that.

Everything escalated from there. They had gone on regular dates, slept together sober, and began to call each other their boyfriend. Cas even began to practically move in with Dean in his single.

One day Dean was supposed to meet up with Cas in the quad when he saw him arguing with a man who seemed to be older but not by much. He had short dark blond hair and seemed just an inch or two taller than Cas.

 **SPNSPNSPNSPN**

Dean had no idea what to do, he wanted to know what was going on but didn't want to interrupt. He knows from experience that interrupting could just make things worse.

He walked into the nearby cafe watching through the window, ready to go help if things got physical. Eventually Cas threw his hands up as he turned to leave, presumably to go find Dean, when the older man grabbed his arm to turn him back around. Dean lost it and ran out to go help Cas.

Dean began to walk to their side when he heard Cas say something to the man.

"Luci, please. I don't do that anymore, you know this. I can't. I won't. Now leave."

"Clarence. You can't run forever. Those fake documents won't get you far out of collage."

"Leave here now. I don't wish to speak to you anymore."

Dean began to walk back to the cafe when Cas began to turn to leave once again.

"You can't run anymore and you know it, it's just time 'till you except it."

Dean stood in line at the cafe to make it seem less suspicious to Cas.

 **SPNSPNSPNSPN**

Dean sat in his dorm thinking about what happened with Cas the day before. he hadn't been able to stop thinking about it but he also couldn't bring himself to ask Cas what was going on. it was about an hour before Cas had his next class and Dean didn't when he realized that Meg was Cas' friend for a long time and she might know something. He vowed as soon as he knew Cas would be in class he would go over to Meg's dorm to find out.

 **SPNSPNSPNSPN**

Dean had gone to Meg's a few times before with Cas so he was confident he knew how to get there. He didn't, it took him a good 15 minutes until he found it. He didn't really know Meg's schedule but he hoped she didn't have class like Cas.

Dean knocked on her door just loud enough to hear if it was practically silent in there. Luckily Meg opened the door and it reminded Dean of the first time he met her at Cas' dorm. His flash backs made him realize that not only did Meg call Cas Clarence but so did this Luci fellow.

"Dean. What brings you by? Finally realize Cas isn't enough for you and that your madly in love with me?"

"Sorry Meg, not yet. Check back next week. I uhh wanted to ask you something."

"Well come on in then."

Dean sat down in her desk chair while she sat on her bed staring at him. He didn't speak for a while but when he did he couldn't even look at Meg.

"So uhhh I was wondering if you knew who Luci was?"

Meg paused and just looked at Dean wide eyed for a moment.

"Luci's back?"

Dean just nodded in confirmation.

"This is not good. Well for you and Cas anyway."

"Why? Why not you?"

"Well Luci likes me. Very much indeed."

"What's gonna happen Meg?"

"I think you should go. Be with Cas for a while, you'll need it."

With that Meg pushed Dean out of her dorm and into the empty hallway. Dean leaned on the wall just outside of her dorm and slid to the floor. He went to Meg, the bluntest person he knew, for answers and got nothing. She seemed scared and he'd never seen her scared once. That made Dean scared too.

* * *

 **Sorry for the late update. I'm just a f**king b**ch I guess.**


	3. Chapter 3

Dean went to go meet Cas at his class. He wasn't sure if he was in his tech class or his math but they were in the same building so it didn't matter. Dean got to the building twenty minutes early so he visited the coffee kiosk next to the building.

He waited outside the doors at the tables set up, coffees in hand. Right as he was about to check his watch he looked up at the man walking in the building and it was none other than that Luci fellow from before.

"Hey! Dude! You were with Cas before. Who are you?"

"And who may you be?"

"I'm his umm, I'm his friend."

"No you're not. If you were only his friend you wouldn't be sitting outside his class' building with coffee for him."

With that Luci walked in leaving Dean behind without another word. Dean grabbed the coffee and followed him to Cas' class. (Turns out it was his math class not tech.)

"Hey, you uhh, you never told me who you are."

"I'm just a good old friend."

"You can't be that good of a friend if I've never heard of you."

"How many friends have you heard about?"

Dean didn't answer because in all honesty he hadn't heard about any friends but Meg.

"Exactly. Now if you excuse me I have to talk to my friend."

Cas walked out of the room they were standing outside of right as Luci turned from Dean. Dean's eyes never left the Luci and Cas noticed.

"So Dean I see you've met Lucifer here."

"Lucifer? Dude you might want a new name."

"Dean don't."

"Your boyfriend bought you coffee. I think it's so cute."

"How'd you know he was-"

"Oh Clarence you must stop underestimating me. I know everything. Just like I know you will be coming with me."

"I've already told you I'm not going. End of discussion."

Lucifer bows his head slightly raising his arms in silent surrender.

"Ok fine. As you say. Nice to meet you Dean."

Lucifer turns to walk out of the building and claps Dean on the shoulder turning to wink at Cas while doing it.

SPNSPNSPNSPN

Dean and Cas walked out of the building not five minutes after Lucifer. On the walk back to Deans dorm Cas got a text that, to Dean, seemed to scare him. He brushed it off and suggested that they blow off the rest of their class' and spend the day together.

Night came and Cas and Dean were supposed to be sleeping, neither of them were. Around three in the morning Cas got up and left Deans dorm quietly.

Dean hadn't been sleeping. He was worried about Cas and knew he was going to do something stupid so he decided to follow him. Dean followed Cas to the same place he first saw him with Lucifer.

This time it was much darker but Dean could still make out some of his features. The night air made Dean shiver from behind the bush he was hiding in and wish he had grabbed his jacket before leaving.

"So you got my text I see."

"I did what do you want?"

"You know very well what I want Clarence."

"I'm not going with you."

"I bet you'd be singing a whole different tune if Dean were to somehow get into trouble."

"Don't hurt him or I swear!"

"What do you swear huh Clarence!? We all know you aren't strong enough. You left! You can't do anything and you know it."

"I left because I didn't want to kill anyone anymore! It's wrong."

Dean stopped listening at that. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He couldn't ever think that Cas could kill someone. Dean went back to his dorm not being able to bring himself to hear anymore. About ten minutes after Dean got back Cas walked in. Dean pretended to sleep once more and just two minutes after Cas came back he left once again but not before he wrote a note to Dean.

Dean got out of bed to read the note. It simply read

I love you I'm sorry

Dean dropped the note and ran out the door not caring to close it. By the time he got to the stairs Cas was gone. Dean ran outside to find him but he was just gone, nowhere to be found. Dean began to walk his way to Meg's but stopped when he realized that it was almost four in the morning and she wouldn't be happy to see him and he'd be no help dead.

SPNSPNSPNSPN

The next morning Dean awoke at seven getting only an hour and a half of sleep before heading off to see Meg.

When he got there he practically broke down her door he was banging to hard. She opened the door and had murderous expression on her face.

"What do you want Dean?"

"Cas is gone. He left with Lucifer last night."

Meg's expression changed from murderous to horrified in a nanosecond.

"How do you know!?"

"I saw it I tried to find him after he left but he just disappeared. He only left me a note."

"This isn't good."

With that Meg began to pack a bag full of cloths before pushing Dean out the door and running out of the building.

"Where are you going!?"

"Just go back to your dorm and if I'm not back in two weeks there's something under my pillow. You'll need it."

"I'm coming with you!"

"No you're not. You can't be a part of this."

Meg drove away before Dean could do or say anything more.

SPNSPNSPNSPN

Two weeks she said, two weeks and she'd be back. She wasn't. No one was back, no Cas, no Meg, and certainly no Lucifer. Dean tried for the first three days to get into Megs room to grab whatever was under her pillow (he gave up after day three when her roommate made it clear he wasn't welcome.). Cas wasn't coming back fast enough and it made Dean angry, it made him depressed.

After week three Dean began drinking. After week four he stopped leaving his dorm unless he needed more booze or the occasional burger to keep him alive. After week five he'd missed so many classes that he was failing out of college.

That was the last straw for Charlie, she needed her friend back and to pass collage with her. She stopped by the dorm and dragged him to class once a week for a month before she gave up. She kept stopping by every day.

The loud knock on his door woke him up with a splitting headache. For the first time in a week he'd opened his door. Charlie took her chance and walked in fast.

"Ok Dean I get you're upset but you're pushing me out and I don't like it."

"You're just gonna end up gone and it will be all my fault and I can't deal with that again."

"I've been your best friend since we were five, I know you Dean. Cas is not your fault and neither was Sam. You couldn't have saved Sam."

"I SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT HIM! If I hadn't left him he'd still be here." Half way through the sentence Dean began to cry.

"Dean don't. If you're gonna blame someone blame who's really responsible... Ruby. She gave him the drugs, got him hooked and then left. She's the reason for it. You can't blame yourself for Sam or Cas."

"If I didn't go to college Sam would still be here and I wouldn't know Cas. Sam would be alive and I wouldn't know the pain of losing Cas. Charlie I can't do this."

"Dean I know you and I know that you have gone through more in your time than most people ever do in their whole life. You got through that and I know you can get through this. He's not dead just remember that."

"That's just it Charlie. There's only so much one man can take. I've hit my limit."

He turned and sat with his back to her in his desk chair. He opened the top drawer of his desk and pulled out a bottle of liquor not checking to see which of the several he grabbed.

"Dean-"

"Forget it Charlie just go."

"Dean please-"

"I said go! GET OUT! Leave me alone."

He tilted his head back to rest on the chair, closed his eyes, and finished off the bottle while listening to Charlie slowly shuffle out of the room. He missed Sam, he missed his mom, he even missed his dead beat dad, but he just couldn't live without Cas.

SPNSPNSPNSPN

Dean and Cas sat on the couch in Dean's old childhood home. Dean had one arm rapped around Cas' shoulders and Cas laid his head on Dean's shoulder while they watched an old sitcom on T.V. They laughed together at something stupid someone did. Cas tilted his head up to look at Deans Face as he watched the show. Cas stood and looked down at Dean who in turn took his feet off the coffee table and sat up straighter.

"Cas what's-"

"I love you Dean."

Cas turned his head to the door way of the living where a figure began to walk in. The room began to pulsate and flashes of red illuminated the room. The figure took a few steps closer to Dean who was trying and failing at standing up. Cas stood unmoving in the same position he was in before as the figure tilted it's head and spoke directly to Dean.

"Why did you leave Dean? Why weren't you there to save me? Why Dean?"

The figure walked into the light highlighting it's features.

"Ohh God. SAM. NO, no, no. This can't be happening. I didn't know. I didn't know!"

The room began spinning still covered in red. Cas got closer to Dean.

"Why did you let me leave Dean? Why didn't you stop me? Why Dean?"

"Cas I couldn't- I didn't- I didn't know how! I didn't know how. I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! Please Cas, Sam! I didn't mean it."

"Why Dean, why?"

They kept encroaching on Dean repeating over and over the same question: Why? The room still pulsed, spun, and glowed red. Dean broke down and began to cry holding his head in his hands whispering 'I'm sorry' with no end.

* * *

 **I'm sorry that took so long (almost a year) *excuse* *stereotypical R &R* I hope you liked this chapter enough to make it a little worth the wait.**


	4. Chapter 4 4,006 words

**Finally chapter 4 its the longest by far and I hope it makes up for the long wait :/**

* * *

Dean awoke covered in sweat almost bolting off the bed. His nightmares were getting worse and worse, starting with pure bliss and ending in excrusiatingly painfull guilt. His whole life Dean had been burdened by pain and the only constant in his life was his friend Charlie and the uncle she lived with, Bobby Singer. He got custody of the boys when both parents died. Sam never knew their mom but sadly knew their dad all to well. Their mom, Mary, had died in a house fire started by Dean trying to make food at the age of four. Their dad had died of kidney failure ten years later, they had already moved into Bobby's by that time.

Dean blamed himself for their mom which in turn lead to all the other deaths and loss he encontered, which he also blamed on himself. Dead mom lead to an abusive, alchoholic, drunken dad. Bad dad lead to bad decisions and bad desisions led to drug abuse and more death. Dean was strong but there is only so much one person can take before they completly loose it.

Dean had a few outbursts but it was just to some guy at a frat party that looked at the girl he was with the wrong way or bumped into him on his way by, things that wern't to serious and only ended with minor injuries. He was overdue for an outburst, most people after what he went through would have just lost it years ago. Dean hid his feelings at the bottem of a bottle for many years. He stole from Bobby's stash for a while but when he was caught he just got a really good fake ID and followed in his fathers footsteps.

Sam promissed Dean before he left he'd never hit the bottle and in all fairness he didn't. Sam hit the needle instead.

Dean just wanted his family back, his mom, his dad, his brother, Cas. The only person he could save was Cas and he was determined to find a way. He had no idea where to start considering the only clues he could get was in Meg's room curently unavailable. The only thing he could think to do was hit the internet. The first thing he looked up was 'Lucifer' but he immediatly regreted it. He just got alot of religious things poping up so he tried again. 'Lucifer and Cas' again nothing. 'Lucifer and Cas crime' even more nothing and then it hit him. Meg always called him Clarence, it was woth a shot. It was the last thing he could think to search.

 _ **'Lucifer and Clarence Novak, Crime Brothers, on Trial for Murder!'.**_

Dean read through the artical, it being the only thing with a remote conection to Cas. They were beleived to be drug ring leaders who killed any one who got in their way. The verdict was 'not guilty'. At the end of the artical they attached their mug shots. A man who in no dought Lucifer but next to him was a blue eyed man with long blond hair. Dean didn't beleive it was Cas at first but he knew him to well, it was Cas. The face was cleanly shaven but had all of the same features Cas had. He was thinnner but that was to be warented considering the picture was two and a half years old. Cas and his older brother Lucifer ran the gang and were suspected of killing Lucifers twin brother Micheal after he tried to leave the gang.

All Dean could think was about how Cas had left the gang and they'd be comeing for him next. he couldn't take the pain he felt inside now realizing Cas was dead. He pulled out the next bottle in the drawer and before he could take a sip he looked back at the mug shot and anger welled up in his chest but only releasing when he through the bottle across his room to the wall. He sunk to the floor, head in hand, sobbing.

Cas' mugshot haunted Dean for days. It was all he could see in his mind when he close his eyes. It was all he dreamed about so he just stopped sleeping. He started going to class just for the distraction.

Cas' face ran through his mind day in and day out. He seemed so angry and merciless, unapologetic about what he had done. Dean tried to convince himself that because the verdict was not guilty that he didn't do it but he knew better.

Whisky became his new best-friend. His indefinite partner. The slick liquid coated his brain helping him forget. He wanted nothing more than to forget. To just bring back better times. Year one college player who didn't have to drink to feel some what released.

Some times it hurt. It hurt so much he didn't think he could handle it any longer. But then other times he felt so numb, sedated and he did anything he could to feel something, anything.

He just wished life didn't suck balls so much and he could have just some decent things in his life. Instead he was graced with death and destruction for anything he ever loved. First his mom, then his dad, then Sammy, and now Cas. They were all taken from him. He was forced into having immeasurable bonds with each and every one of them just to have them ripped from his grasp not to much later.

Sometimes when he woke up he'd feel like he had nothing to be awake for like he had no reason to be alive and had no impact on anyone's lives. He wanted nothing more than to sleep for days but he only ever got and hour or two before he was forced awake by his own twisted mind.

He'd wake breathing heavy, eyes wide, and crying. He couldn't close his eyes with out nightmares engulfing his mind. Images of the dead coming back to life and screaming.

Some days his mind was blank, he could stare at a wall for hours with nothing coming to mind like it was nearly seconds but then other days it was the exact opposite. Other days his mind won't shut up. It won't stop screaming at him about how terrible of a person he is or how everything is his fault. Some days he want nothing more than to shut it off to make it all stop. All the pain all the tragedy.

His mind was like a cell encasing all his bad thoughts and not letting them leave. His whole mind consisted of memories but they're twisted. With every drink each memory was distorted into one of pain and misery making him feel even more lost and lonely thank before. But after a while the drinks turned into numbness and he didn't even know why he was so distraught in the first place.

He went to class drunk, he went to sleep drunk, and he woke up drunk. His whole body is just running on empty. The only thing keeping him going was the thought that Cas may come back some day, that he had a way to help him.

Since he couldn't sleep he drowned himself in finding ways to get Cas back. He spent every waking hour drunkenly scrolling through the Internet. Some times he'd spend days hauled up in his room, the only thing filling his stomach being beer and whisky. He was determined to find a way to Cas but they covered their tracks well.

Sadly in his searches Dean found out about the many other accusations on them and the many other times "Clarence" spent in jail. He'd been in and out of juvy and jail since he was 16, Lucifer having spent time with and without him.

It was day four of him being hauled up staring at the bright screen in the completely dark room when Charlie busted in. The door slammed on the wall then back into the frame in quick succession. Dean quickly spun around, a bad decision considering he almost fell out of the chair.

"Dean Winchester! I demand to know why I haven't seen you in four days!" Charlie screamed causing Dean to grab his head in pain.

"God Charlie quit it with the screaming would ya?" He all but whispered realizing he hadn't had a drink all day and three days of non stop alcohol consumption were catching up.

"I will not until you tell me what the hell is going on!" She stomped her foot and crossed her arms giving him a glare.

"I'm working Charlie. I'm fine." He whined turning back around.

"No you're not Dean." She said much quieter and much more caring. "When's the last time you ate?" She sat on the edge of his bed only two feet from Dean's chair.

He waved his hand dismissively scrolling through his computer again. "I had a bag of Cheetos..." He looked at the time on his computer screen. "...yesterday. Look I'm fine Charlie I don't need you checking on me all the time. I can handle myself." He never looked her in the face.

She grabbed his arm and forcefully pulled him out of his chair and out the door before he got his bearings and yanked out of her grasp.

"What the hell Charlie!?"

"I'm not gonna let you wither away in your room. I care about you and don't wanna see you like this. I want to help you."

"I don't need help!" He grabbed his forehead again and turned his back to her squeezing his eyes shut. He was getting dizzy and he couldn't breath properly.

He ran his fingers down his face slowly not daring to open his eyes for fear he might fall. "Look Charlie I'm sorry it's just... before I knew there was nothing I could do but now-" he took a deep breath to ground himself finally opening his eyes and turning to look at her. "Now I can help I can fix this. I can do something about it this time."

"Dean-"

"Charlie please don't lecture me." He sighed and dropped his eyes to the floor looking at the boots he hadn't taken off in days maybe even weeks.

"I wasn't. I wanted to take you out for dinner. I know a diner near by that sources burgers and pie. Please come..." Her voice dropped off not knowing what else to do about Dean. He secluded himself and drowned in alcohol and to top it all off he smelled like the locker room of a brewery.

"Fine I'll go." Dean looked back up at Charlie just in time to see her mouth spread wide and her hands connect in a multitude of claps.

"Omg great lets go." They took a few steps forward but Carlie stopped abruptly putting her arm out to stop Dean too. She moved her eyes dramatically to his face. "You need to shower first."

"What are you-" he was cut off by the stench he breathed in while trying to prove her wrong. "Yeah ok ten minutes tops!" He said running back down the hall.

They finally made it to the dinner after Dean's forty minute shower. It was the first one he'd had in weeks and he just got lost in his head.

While they waited for their food they talked about things here and there Charlie expertly avoiding the subjects of family and Cas. She just got him above water she didn't want him to go off the deep end again. He wasn't out of the water yet but she got him to finally tread water instead of sinking. He seemed happy.

When their food came Dean finally noticed how hungry he had been. The alcohol and depression filling his head with a false sense of fulfillment, in his stomach that is.

He was half way through his burger already finished with his fries when he took a glance out the window they sat next to. He saw him, he was right there walking down the street, Cas. Dean practically ran out of the restaurant tripping over his own feet on the way out the door. Charlie barely registered what happened before Dean was gone. She just watched him out the window.

Dean fumbled to the curb and just stared at the spot across the street he'd seen Cas clear as day just moments before. Nothing. No one. The street was empty in the dimness of the evening.

It was 8 o'clock on a Saturday so most people in the college town were getting ready for one party or another. The street was completely empty but just minutes before Dean had seen him just walking. He'd seen him trench coat and all.

Dean stood at the edge of the curb for a full minute just staring unblinkingly until Charlie came out. She put her hand on his oversized shoulder looking at his profile. Dean turned his head with the added weight on his body. His eyes were red and rimmed with tears and he just kind of melted into Charlie's hand.

Charlie looked into his eyes and could tell he just found a weight pulling him down under again. She hated him when he was like this but she was always there for him and he was always there for her. They were the only people on the planet that knew about what the others went through and the only ones who had stayed long enough to find out. They were each other's support system but sometimes being the only one holding someone up causes you to crash too. Sometimes the weights to much to carry.

Eventually they both melted into the curb just sitting in silence for a half hour. The silence was broken by Dean. He never looked away from the graffiti in the wall of the building across the street.

"I thought I saw him Charlie." He kept his hands clasped together on his knees. He'd stopped crying long ago but could still feel the tear streaks drying on his cheeks.

Charlie didn't answer just looked at him again before sliding closer and placing her head on his shoulder.

A few more minutes of silence went by before Charlie lifted her head and stood up. She stepped off the curb and put out her hand for Dean to take. "Let's go back to my dorm."

Dean took her hand without protest. They walked all the way to her dorm I'm silence once again but it was welcome, Dean wasn't sure he could handle talking about it. He almost lost it earlier for the few words he spoke.

He awoke the next morning on the floor of Charlie's dorm. Even though she had a roommate he was assured before sleeping last night that when she went out she wouldn't be back until two the next afternoon. He had a pounding headache. The three days of straight drinking had caught up to him last night and seemed like it wouldn't be letting up anytime soon.

The one nice thing was that Charlie and her roommate didn't have to share a bathroom with another room so he could spend all day in there if needed. He didn't plan on it but it was nice to know he had that option.

He crawled his way to the bathroom doorway where he finally stood, quite wobbly at first. His head spun and he felt like he could fall over any second. He made it to the sink without an accident. He dreaded opening his eyes but he knew he had to if he was going to get the medicine he needed.

He sturdied himself on the counter and looked at the mirror. Charlie had left a cute little note for him on the mirror to the cabinet.

 _ **Drink the water and take the pills! Also EAT SOMETHING!**_

She added a smiley face at the end to make it seem nicer. She'd already left what he needed on the sink. Well not the food that he'd have to find in his own. He didn't even get to drink the water before he had to fall his way to the toilet bowl to empty is stomach of the burger he'd had the night before.

He loved alcohol while he was drinking it but when he was hungover he hated the stuff. It helped him forget the loss but it took a toll. He needed to find a better way.

Food. Food could be his savior. He just upchucked all the food left in his stomach so he needed to find more, but first PILLS, he need those damn pills.

He hoisted himself off the floor back to the sink and downed the water and pills in one go. It wasn't his first time around. The feeling of the water hitting his empty stomach just made him even more aware of how badly he needed food. So he decided to raid Charlie's mini fridge. He was to lazy to leave the room and find some real food he didn't have to steal from friends.

He made his way across her small but slightly larger than his dorm room. Not once did he fall or have to stop to hold his pounding head. One point to Dean Winchester. Hangover still beat him by a long shot though.

When he opened the door to the mini fridge he saw little note tents telling what he could steal and what he couldn't. He went straight for the pie, cherry. He didn't eat all of it but he had a good portion of it, over half of what was left. He also threw away the notes. He didn't want her room mate seeing those stupid notes and asking questions he didn't feel like anyone knowing the answers to.

As he ate the pie his thoughts just kinda drifted back to what had happened the night before at the diner. One minute he saw Cas and the next it was like he was never there in the first place. He had a dream about him again, a memory of a time when they were happy being corrupted and turned into something sinister. He wanted so badly for Cas to be there, he wanted to talk to him, to have him back. He never even got a fucking goodbye just some stupid note left in his room when Cas thought he was asleep.

Dean couldn't help but think that Cas leaving was all his fault. If he hadn't gotten close to Cas then he wouldn't have to leave to protect him. If he had just been a better friend he'd have noticed things about Cas that just didn't add up and he could've helped before it was to late. But no he was to wrapped up in himself to think about someone else and even now all he can think about is getting Cas back for his sake so he doesn't feel like shit anymore. God he needed a drink. He didn't go find one though just finished the pie and tried to forget about all the things raging on in his head.

Just as he was sitting back down from putting the food back Charlie's room mate sauntered threw the door clearly still slightly drunk, hungover, and high all wrapped up in one. Dean himself was starting to want a drink even more after all the thoughts ran through his head.

She didn't notice him at first just kinda threw her stuff down before plopping down on her bed with a sigh. Dean let out a half snort half laugh at her actions thinking about how Charlie would get along with her. That's when she noticed him. In one swift movement, much quicker than Dean would have thought possible for someone in her state, she jumped off the bed grabbing a knife from under her pillow.

"Ohh shit! Who the hell are you and why are you in my room?" She waved the knife pointedly in Dean's direction. Dean put his hands up slightly more to calm her than anything else. He wasnt all that scared because he knew he could take her in a fight if need be.

"I'm-I'm Dean Winchester. Charlie's friend she said you wouldn't be back till around two I thought I still had an hour to get my stuff ready and leave." He'd stood and walked a few steps closer to her. She didn't move at all from her position on the opposite side of the bed.

She dropped her hand but not letting go of the weapon. "I'm sorry I shouldn't just pulls knives out on people. I'm Jo Charlie's roommate."

He stuck out his hand to shake hers. "Nice to meet you Jo." They shook hands and it wasn't but minutes later they were entangled on Jo's bed tongues battling.

She tasted like alcohol and pot and he tasted like cherries. The sweatiness of his taste being corrupted by the sourness of hers.

He thought it would feels better to kiss someone to finally try and fill that Cas shaped void in his body but it just felt dirty and wrong. He began missing Cas' taste, the way his tongue felt, the way they just melded and matched oh so perfectly, and how they could just sit there and kiss and feel perfectly fulfilled. It wasn't like that with Jo. She felt wrong, her tongue was like an alien in his mouth, her body just felt so small and fragile like one wrong move and she'd break but with Cas it was never like that, he could be rough and he knew Cas would make it. He wasn't sure Jo would. He wasn't sure he would either.

He missed Cas' weight draped over him. He missed how Cas took charge and just kissed him silly. He missed how kissing Cas just felt right, perfect.

He laid there half-assly kissing Jo for a few minutes until his whole brain decided to betray him. Visions of Cas' eyes ran through his mind. Phantom feelings of Cas' hands were all over him. Dean opened his eyes and all he saw was Cas. Cas' face was burned in his eyes everywhere he looked.

Dean untangled himself from Jo and practically fell off the bed in his attempt to leave. He ran out of the room without a word, leaving behind everything not on his person.

He ran through the halls and out to the street. Everywhere he looked he saw Cas. A random person in the street would be Cas walking and Dean more than once ran up to strangers with watery eyes. Eventually he ignored the faces he saw and just kept running.

Dean didn't realize where he was going j till he was already there. He found his way back to the diner he was at the night before. The street was busier than before but he could still see clearly the spot Cas was standing just mere hours before.

He leaned against the brick wall of the diner to steady himself not realizing he was shaking. A few stray tears streamed down his face, breath heavy. He looked and Cas was standing there at the opening to the ally across the street but when he blinked he was gone.

Cas was gone.

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 **Hopefully the next chapter will be up in the next week or two again sorry for the delay! *updated cuz I found a few errors***


	5. Chapter 5

**It's short but it posted on time for once so I'm proud.**

* * *

It had been weeks since his break down in front of the diner when he came across an article.

 **'Novak crime brothers back again?'**

The article was all about sightings and reported crime business deals they made. Not only were the brothers featured but an unnamed associate as well. They were only a few hours out.

"The Novak crime brothers, Clarence and Lucifer, were reportedly getting back into the drug game. Some locals have spotted them doing business but not only have they been doing business 'their new associate has begun to help Clarence' witnesses state. The only Description we were able to get of the unknown associate was 'she had dark hair and pale skin.' She has yet to be seen with Lucifer out and about but has been seen with Clarence on more than one occasion. New details will be published daily."

Dean knew for a fact that they were speaking of Meg and knew he needed to find what ever was in her room.

He hadn't picked a lock since he was ten but he was desperate, he didn't even care about the roommate anymore. He used the Internet as a refresher and waited till the roommate left to break in.

It only took him ten minutes, what with all the distractions from fellow students and lack of practice. He knew right away which bed was Meg's, it was the one that was in pristine condition. By the looks of the rest of the room the roommate didn't mind having a single.

He be-lined straight for her pillow. It was an all white pillow and sheet set so the dark notebook wasn't to hard to find. He was about to sit down and start looking through it when he realized the roommate could come back any minute and he didn't want to risk it. He took the notebook and lock picking supply's and ran.

He headed to the schools library, a place he only visited once with Cas, because his room just seemed to depressing. He sat in the back corner as a way to look at others and make sure they weren't looking at him.

The notebook was relatively small yet fat and filled. It had a leather covering with an M burnt into the upper left corner. Dean looked around before opening it and reading. He'd done so much reading over the past few weeks than he'd done at all in his high school career.

He turned to the first page. Only one sentence adorned the middle of the page. **'Incase I die, here's the secrets.'** That one sentence made a pit in Deans stomach. If Meg kept a diary incase of death that meant there was a very big possibility she wasn't getting out alive, and neither was Cas.

Dean had to hold back tears at the thought that Cas may not come back to him alive. He may not come back at all. He caught his breath and continued to read on. He spent the next hour and a half just sitting in the back corner of the library reading. The only thing that got him to stop was the fact that his stomach was screaming to be fed, echoing through the quiet room.

He found the first place that sold food and sat in the corner eating and reading. After two hours there he when back to his dorm. He didn't like to be there but it was better than the library.

When he got back to his dorm he decided that after a combined time of 3 and a half hours he'd take a break from reading but anytime he tried to do something what was written would creep into his mind.

He found out why Meg said it was fine for her that Luci showed up but not for Cas. Lucifer loved Meg and at one point she did to. He hadn't read far enough to see if she still did when she left. There wasn't anything about Cas but he kept reading, every bit of detail can help.

After his fifth attempt to start some work for class, so he didn't totally fail out, he just threw it away and reopened Meg's book. He needed to know more.

The next few hours had gone bye I'm a snap and he was almost half way through. He found out that the reason Cas wasn't in the beginning was because he was in jail, again.

 **'Clarence is back from jail and Luci is being just slightly nicer to everyone. I think Clarence is a good influence on him. To bad Clarence is just as bad, even worse when he's angry.'**

Dean had spent a good ten minutes trying to sort that out. From what he could tell Lucifer was a real bad guy and hurt and killed hundreds. But Cas. Cas wasn't capable of doing anything to hurt someone. He didn't want to believe it. He couldn't believe it. He kept reading anyway.

The longer he read her journal the more invested he felt in her life. Anytime Lucifer did something terrible he filled with rage or anytime Cas did something wonderful his chest felt lighter. He began to feel sorry for the girl he used to not really give much thought to other than, 'she's Cas' friend'.

He could tell she really loved Lucifer but he could also tell how toxic the relationship was he felt a burning desire to save her. At first it was Cas and only Cas that needed saving but Meg needed it just as much maybe even more.

She talked about her pregnancy. It wasn't Lucifer's because he's been gone for two weeks on "work" but the only other person she'd been with she didn't disclose. The only other thing she said about it was how nice and helpful Cas had been about the whole thing.

As he read he noticed hat the dates seemed to skip a few days and she never missed a day before. He was hesitant at reading it at first confused had he missed a few pages. He quickly realized he hadn't and his hands began to shake before he was even done with the page.

 **'It's been months since Lucifer found out about my pregnancy but he just found out who's it was. He got very angry with Clarence. I don't think he liked that it was his own brother that impregnated "his woman". I was three months along and now it's all gone, every dream I had about family was ripped from me. I kept screaming but he wouldn't listen. He wouldn't listen to Clarence. He just got angrier and angrier until he did the unimaginable. He seemed to have calmed but just when I thought we were in the clear he turned to me and stabbed the knife into my stomach. I screamed and screamed but he just turned and walked away. If it wasn't for Clarence I wouldn't have survived. He took me to the hospital, kept me safe. I don't know how we're going to continue but going back isn't an option.'**

So many thing we're running through Dean's head. He couldn't piece together the facts he had. He knew the encounter was the result of a drug haze but he didn't know Cas could ever do something like that. He didn't think Cas even liked woman. He felt an overwhelming urge to protect Meg and kill that son of a bitch who hurt her.

So many emotions came rushing over him he dropped the book and ran. He ran right out of his room not knowing where he was going, not stopping 'till he found what he needed.

 **510.**

That number was sprawled in front of Deans eyes. He was back. The big bold numbers stared at him, screamed at him.

It was the middle of the night so everyone was sleeping, studying, or partying. He didn't see a single person the entire time he stood against the wall staring. He couldn't move. He kept thinking that if he just opened the door Cas would be in bed sleeping or at his desk studying for some test but his rational thought knew better. He knew if he opened that door he'd just be met with more disappointment.

He started to here people some where in the building and composed himself enough to push off the wall and walk back out into the cold. He hadn't had a drink in a while and right then that's all he wanted. He wanted that temporary escape.

His original destination was the liquor store but he saw that ever familiar street and turned. He walked to the diner window happy to see they were open and empty. He told himself earlier food would be his new escape and even though he didn't follow up right away better late then never.

He sat agents the side wall but still had a good view out the front windows he sat against with Charlie. He was the only one in the whole diner besides the one waitress and the accompanying cook. The only sounds were the few cars that passed and the idle chatter from the two workers.

Dean ordered a burger, pie, and a water, sitting there silently holding himself together. He finished the last bit of pie leaving a ten dollar tip for the waitress and a two dollar tip for the cook before walking out.

He walked the streets until the sun started to show over the horizon. He dreaded going back to his dorm but exhaustion took over and forced him to.

When ever Dean couldn't sleep, which was often, he'd wonder to the diner and get food. He made friends with the regular waitress and passing acquaintances with the waiter that was there on her nights off. He began to get to know the cook pretty well too.

There wasn't always people in there but some drunk college kids or truckers would come in once and a while. That's why he didn't notice them right away. They were tucked in the corner just out of the way enough for Dean not to care. Just out of the way enough for him not to look. And he didn't, not until he was seated. Not until the waiter had walked away.

Dean saw them not ten feet away but he couldn't move. Cas. Cas was there talking with Lucifer like it's any other day and he hadn't just walked out of Dean's life months ago. (Granted he was blond now) Hadn't walked out and left him alone and crazy.

Dean wasn't drunk or hungover this time. He was fully sober and reliving the events of Meg's book over and over. He'd finished it and the rest was explaining how they got out, how they left but the image was still so vivid in his mind. He could practically hear her and Cas screaming.

Dean slumped back into his seat trying to hide away from them. He didn't know what to do anymore. He wanted to just go up and stab Lucifer the way he stabbed Meg but he knew he couldn't do that, not in front of Cas.

He decided to watch them. Wait to see if Lucifer left so he could maybe get up the courage to talk to Cas. He listened as best he could to their conversation. It was reflectively quiet in the diner so he got most of it even with their hushed tones.

"Look Clarence I know you worried about your girlfriend-"

"She's not my girlfriend she's yours she's just a friend-"

"That's not what I could tell last time we parted..." Lucifer stared straight at Cas who was looking off in the distance just passed his head.

"All I'm saying is it's not safe to be here for to long. There's to many... things that could expose us." Cas said it gingerly visibly guarded hoping to keep Lucifer calm.

"If you're worried about Dean finding-"

"I don't care about Dean." Cas cut off Lucifer a lot more forcefully than needed.

Dean didn't here the rest of what was said, he couldn't hear anything but his own heartbeat roaring in his ears. All hope flooded out of his body.

Dean sat in the diner booth shattered. He shattered into a million pieces and he didn't think anything could put them back together.

Cas was gone and he didn't care.

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 **I'm gonna try and do another chapter as fast but with school and work it might be late I'm sorry**

 **I'll try to make it longer than this one as well :)**


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